2020 has most of us out of our comfort zones. Like out in the street in our undies kind of comfort zones!
It's like it's a year of fear. And also of massive growth and opportunity.
I am overwhelmed at how stuff in our life has made us really face some fears that I had prayed would never raise their ugly heads.
I am not proud of those fears, because they show me how weak I can be, and how imperfect I am.
This time has been humbling for our family.
Lockdown has sucked and has had a HUGE effect on our ability to earn an income and has tested out limits with family to near breaking point. Or maybe it is broken. Yup. Broken.
Fortunately my husband and I are ok – Just the situation living with family has taught us all a thing or two.
I learned I don’t need to please EVERYONE, and that I can be a stubborn child if I am pushed hard enough.
I always thought I was so mature. Ha!! Nope. Not me.
I also learned that even I can set boundaries that will not be crossed. I may have some work to do on being more Christ-like in my mind at the moment, but I am giving myself a little grace and time. Baby steps. But I am also learning forgiveness does not mean throwing yourself back into the lion’s den. That’s called stupidity, and even God rolls His eyes at that, I am sure.
I have also learned that I have limits. Boundaries.
And that I can be 10000 times more flexible than I ever imagined.
I learned that although I derive great pleasure from a beautiful home and creature comforts, that I am not materialistic.
I enjoy different things to my boys in my home - Like a bathroom that we don’t have to share.
I have learned that I need my own bathroom people.
And that all bathrooms should have an extractor fan. Windows are too slow to pull the grossness that is in this bathroom out in time for the next person to enter.
People – It’s the first time in our 16 year marriage we have seen each other wee!
We thought at the beginning of marriage that it would be better for the romance to not witness elimination of our spouse (pun intended).
That was all shot to hell when this pokey little bathroom found itself with 4 occupants and opens onto the kitchen area and the passage to the main house. Sounds delightful, doesn’t it!?
I have not had one single bath or erm… Nose powdering alone.
I can do without a couch, a stove and a microwave, but please give me 2 bathrooms. With a key. And said extractor fan.
Living in a 1 bedroom place also means that we don’t hide well from one another. In C’s case, that’s a good thing, because he can be such a cute little turd and break something or tip out things he shouldn’t be in the blink of an eye.
But when you want to have a cry, everyone finds you.
Like Sunday, which was a poopy day.
I missed my Dad, and I was very very low. I was VERY low, and though my Dad was part of it, it was just some of it. Kid’s could not know that though. So they were told about Mommy missing Daddy.
I had the ugly cry going on, quietly, into the bed, with music on.
My boys found me and you know what they did? Hubby held me solidly (He’s not a hugger so I appreciate the solid hug a LOT, because I AM a hugger).
My 3 year old immediately asks what’s wrong – He then proceeds to prop 2 of his brother’s teddies under my arm to comfort me.
He runs to the bathroom and grabs my face moisturiser and proceeds to give me a back rub with my moisturiser.
Now I’m bawling extra, because sweetness is!
My ever emotionally alert 8 year old holds me tight from another side as my body is jerking with sobs, and holds me as close as he can, and tells me it’s going to be ok and to think about the good things.
He then goes on to re-tell humorous stories I have told him previously, of my Dad farting during family prayers.
It was silent but oh-so violent.
But the mean man would not stop praying!
Trying to remain reverent, but acutely aware that our eyebrows were melting straight off our faces, we all crawled to separate corners of the room, gagging until he finished his VERY VERY long, and painful prayer.
The laughter in the house after that was something I had never forgotten. And I was grateful I could laugh through tears.
How special I felt that they never left me, and each gave me what they thought I needed.
It was perfection.
And it was perfection in a small space.
Without all the things I once thought we necessary to be an adult.
A successful one who didn’t scar her children unnecessarily.
In this small space, my kid washes dishes now, and does his chores.
He plays outside alone for hours because he learned how to during lockdown.
My boys played together.
I learned that I CAN teach my child and have made a very freeing and totally bizarre decision regarding his education I would NEVER have thought I would have. Ever. Were it not for lockdown.
I have literally lived through what some of my biggest fears in my life were. I’ve lost a child, flopped an immigration, ran out of money, live with my in-laws, and homeschool a child all while having my 3 year old home with me, while working at night (mostly from 22:00 until anything from 02:00 – 04:00 in the morning). And guess what? I am still standing, and I am PROUD of myself for the first time in a very long time.
Ok it hurts and my legs are broken some days, but we did things in our family that I never thought were possible to get through alive! Ok, some people in this house were in mortal danger of being forcibly expired, but we are all still here.
Things are clearer.
I feel closer to my truth than I have in a VERY long time, and I have found strength I never believed I had.
The thing is, I am by NO means alone – nor is my story close to being the most interesting or hard.
We have ALL gone through stuff we never thought we would.
If we are reading this, it means we have made it so far!
Check us out!
We freaking rock!!
All I can say is that God is in the details of our lives.