In October 2017, my world came crashing down when I got a call from my brother, saying that my Father had killed himself.
It was a shock that is indescribable. It affected my body profoundly in an instant.
My legs give in under me, I let out an involuntary scream, and I sobbed with my brother.
Part of the sobbing was from hearing my brother crying with me. It hurt so badly that he was in pain.
I also heaved as if my soul was trying to expel the news that I had just gotten.
As I write this my face is flushed and my skin feels cold. At remembering this all, and my body is having a physical reaction to that memory. But that night was not where the sadness culminated for me.
Shortly after this time, I was diagnosed with various deficiencies and conditions.
My body was basically broken.
My Shoprite brand body had chucked it all in and needed replacing, out of the warrantee period.
Even my eyesight suddenly deteriorated so badly that I could no longer see a stop sign that was 5 metres ahead of me - with my glasses on! That deterioration happened over the space of a week!
From being able to see, to not being legally allowed to drive.
The shock had apparently affected even my eyes. It Wasn’t just my heart that was broken, apparently my body loves tagging along.
While the issues surrounding my Dad's suicide are complex, there are various elements to his death that have heightened my awareness of suicide prevention and mental illness. Not only in those who actually take their lives, but the ones who wish they had the guts to.
My own journey with depression reached a peak after losing my Dad, and I became aware of all those around me whose lives would forever be changed by that bullet.
It's not just the death of a loved one, but the aftermath that causes trauma:
- The administration of the will
- lack of clarity,
- confusion about the "why"
- family whose financial circumstances changed drastically as a result
- employees who lost their jobs as he was a business owner
- There are massive feelings of guilt - Could I have prevented it? Was I part of the reason? I just spoke to him 20 minutes before he went into that room and ended it all! It's hard to detach from that. What were our last words? Did he see the message I had sent him directly after our conversation asking if he wants to join us for Christmas? Would it have made a difference if I had just sent it earlier? What if I had stayed on the phone longer to him instead of bathing the children? Did he KNOW I Loved him? Were there clues in that conversation? The mind boggles.
I struggled with my own desire to stop feeling it all. The pain physically and emotionally was unbearable. I would go for months, without one a single day’s break from wishing, or even fantasizing about being dead myself, most often dozens of times a day. It wasn’t only because I didn’t want a life without my Dad, it was that something in my head was broken. I had lost a child, lost many pregnancies, lost our home, struggled with various issues independent of this new heartache.
But at the time I was feeling suicidal myself, our family was in a good place! How I felt did not coincide with my reality. I knew it, and it made me feel even more guilty for feeling so ungrateful. Ungrateful for these beautiful children we had, the life we led, the family I still had left. A husband who loved me. That’s core stuff there, and yet it wasn’t keeping me happy.
Despite knowing I was blessed, despite having my Faith, praying, serving, throwing myself into my children and family, it didn’t go away. In fact, it just got worse as time went on.
I was internally screaming for someone to please HELP. ME.
But it’s not logical to feel so sad, right? I felt that people wouldn’t relate, especially if I was covering it all up.
But dying remained a fantasy that I pulled myself from too many times to count.
Why didn’t I go through with it though?
It was wanting to spare my children the trauma of losing a parent like I just had. To spare my Mother losing a child like I had.
I didn’t want my children being raised by my in-laws either. I knew Udo would need help once I was gone, and I didn’t want my kids to grow up like he did. That was it, until I eventually got professional help – Led by a special friend who forced me to see someone, and by another special friend who forced me to use some oils at a time that prescription medication wasn’t an option.
I finally got diagnosed correctly and my deficiencies were partially addressed. I was also introduced to oils – They would support me through the rest, along with my oily community. I would be led on a journey of taking control back!
I feel more empowered and more in tune with my body now.
I am more in control of my emotions that I have been in decades.
And the feelings… They don’t dictate how my body reacts so much any more. It doesn’t collapse when I get bad news. I get to process it, and my body is holding strong and is supporting me instead of being a liability. My mind supports my body through trials.
My body now serves me. It does its job because oils help me feel like my mind can support itself now.
That’s what I want for EVERYONE.
I want for people to have tools!
I want for people to be able to come through hard things with a friend that can help them!
Oils are my friend.
They support me in a way no person can.
I can take them when I need them.
I can listen to my body and give it what it needs – I no longer have to rely on a script from someone smart, who is trying their best to help, but doesn’t really know if what they are doing will help.
I can take them as and when I feel the need. Every 2 minutes if I need to!
My oils don’t have side effects.
They don’t deplete me.
Oils don’t offer placation – They give me strength.
Oils never grow tired of helping me or listening to my body – They have excellent little molecules that rush to the rescue and support things that need supporting even when I don’t know what needs supporting.
Oils don’t miss my calls, and they are never too busy for me.
They are my constant, and they are my friend.
I want that for everyone.
I feel like they saved me.
I wish they could have saved my Dad, and everyone else who struggles with feelings of self-harm. That’s my why. It’s my reason for investing my time and life in bringing Oils to every home.
Am I 100% fine now 100% of the time? No.
Because sometimes I forget to take my oils.
But am 100% better than I was!
And I don't have to live there any more.
Neither do you.